Simpsons websites, Homer quotes, and misc items
SNPP.com
Lardlad.com
Simpsons Addiction
Virtual Springfield
NoHomers.net
Homer's personal card: "Homer Simpson - Plus-Size Butt Model"
"Facts are meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
Explaining the grip that his newly purchased gun has on him: "I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when He's holding a gun."
Trying to rationalize his videotaped drunken ramblings about his burdensome family: "You see, kids, marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail..."
When Homer's song played repeatedly: "I've come to hate my own creation -- now I know how God feels!"
"I used to believe in things when I was a kid."
"Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians."
(Blubbering, when they thought Grandpa was dead and Marge pointed out that at least he'd told Grandpa he loved him): "Sure, I told him I loved him, but not that I was IN love with him!"
"It's every parent's dream to outlive their kids."
After Bart says the only thing left for him is to become the town drunk: "Talkin' about it's not gonna get you there!" Then he guzzles a can of Duff beer himself.
"I wouldn't trade [parenting] for anything. Except for some mag wheels -- oh man, that would be sweet!"
When Grandpa was trying to discourage him from climbing Springfield's local Murderhorn mountain, "If you're trying to scare me, it won't work. I'm one hundred percent focused on my goal." (Puts on winter hat) "Hey, my hat has ear flaps! Heh-heh-heh-heh!"
"I used to worry Marge was too good for me. She was always thinking of ways to improve me. But then, part of her died. She doesn't try anymore. So we're all where we wanna be!"
To Bart: "If you'll forgive me, I'll never encourage you again."
After becoming the town's new law enforcement: "Finally, something that combines my love of helping people with my love of hurting people!"
(Singing) "I love rock 'n' roll, 'cause Moe's a big jerk and a she-male too!"
"It's alot easier to watch stuff than to do stuff."
To Marge about her supposed tattoo: "Oh, Honey, they have acids that can burn that off."
Homer was Mayor Quimby's bodyguard and says to him as Quimby's hanging out of a building, "You've got the best bodyguard in the business! Now promise [to be good], or I'll let you fall to your death!" Then later, Homer and Quimby are relaxing at a dinner theater and Homer says about one performer, "I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap."
On Jerry Springer, after being asked for his reaction when told that Marge cheated on him (a Halloween special): "I felt angry, Jerry. Angry and tired."
Not really a Homer quote per se, but Bart and Homer were watching a show entitled When Buildings Collapse and loving it. Lisa said that maybe people got hurt in the destruction and Homer said, "Heyyyy, yeah! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!" Nice desensitization, Homer.
Frank Grimes, a new guy at the nuclear plant who didn't like Homer, was coming over to their house: "I need everyone to be perfect tonight. Bart, perfect! Lisa, perfect! Other kid, perfect!" Other kid...
"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
Chiming in after Marge tells Bart not to pray for Sideshow Bob's death: "Yeah, you do your own dirty work!"
"A dog like this you have to feed every day."
"When are people going to learn? ... Democracy doesn't work!"
During the episode in which Krusty fakes his own death: "Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's in heaven right now laughing it up with the other celebrities. John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Josef Stalin..." (sighs) "I wish I were dead." And then that night in Bart's room: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that." [snaps] "Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow... Well, good night."
Berating Bart for stealing: "How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Homer poorly imitates him and laughs to himself] Where was I? Oh yeah: stay out of my booze!"
Describing how his team won the bowling match when Otto picked up the 7-10 split, with which Marge was impressed: "Yes, but Marge, you're missing the point! The individual doesn't matter. It was a team effort, and I was the one who came up with the whole team idea... me!"
When Lisa faked being a college student, two college girls she befriended dropped her off at home and there's Homer inside singing his version of Chumbawamba's song:
"I get knocked down
I get knocked down again
You're never gonna knock me down!"
"If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair."
"Stupid risks are what make life worth living!" "Feel your heart pumping a mile a minute! That's what my heart's doing all the time! I bet your left arm's tingling too." "Feeling stupid? I know I am!" --from episode 5F17
"If God didn't want food in church, He would've made gluttony a sin."
Frantically preparing a tax return: "OK, Marge, if anyone asks, you require 24-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam!"
"I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am." And then (in 'beating' City Hall over trash pick-up), "It's just like David and Goliath; only this time, David won!"
"Trying is the first step towards failure."
"I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone." And when Smithers asks Homer why he's not at work: "I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV."
"You gave BOTH dogs away?? You know how I feel about giving!"
"Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?" Nice comparison, you idiot.
"Marge needs help... and God knows I'm not the man to provide it."
Homer was in rare form last night. It was the one in which Milhouse's parents divorce. The only thing Marge asks Homer to do for a dinner party is get dressed and as the first guest arrives, he's still in his underwear playing with trains! Later, scared that Marge isn't happy, he tries to soothe her to sleep with sounds of the sea, like rolling surf, foghorn (with him tilting side-to-side like a buoy), cawing bird (irritating her), and an "Arr, matey"! Later still, Bart smashes him over the head with a chair while in the tub! Watching that in slow motion is HILARIOUS!!
To Marge at the chili cook-off: "Fine, I'll come find you when I'm ready to stop having fun."
Playing a board game and his mystery date is revealed: "Ooh, the captain of the football team! He's a dreeeeamboat. Don't wait up, Marge!"
Leading an angry mob against a proposed Bear Tax: "We're here, we're queer, we don't want any more bears."
(Calmly) "All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him."
I know this isn't specifically a Homerism, but I felt this was too funny not to include. Lisa joined Mensa and the group dressed up for a Renaissance-theme meeting in the park. They usually got one of the park's gazebos, as did other groups including "the she-males." This time however, slackers were taking up the Mensa group's gazebo and Skinner approached Chief Wiggum about it. Wiggum looks at Skinner in his oversized colorful coat and tights and says, "Geez, how many gazebos do you she-males need?!"
12.28.04: U.K.-only Christmas message - download
04.02.04: Actors holding out for more money
03.09.04: Dear Abby Almost Falls for 'Simpsons' Spoof
02.16.03: The decline of the Simpsons?
02.14.03: Letterman's Top Ten list as read by Homer!
04.30.02: creator Matt Groening talks about the future of the Simpsons
04.14.02: Whoops! The official tourism agency of Rio de Janeiro is suing the Simpsons over the way Rio was depicted in the March 31 episode.
Which Simpsons character are you?
A map of the Simpsons' town Springfield that some dude evidently made up
Random Homer quotes
Homer sound bytes -- more Google search results
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